Open letter to the precious tattoo artist

Ahhh the precious (read:alpha) tattoo artist. Poor guy. You know the one: he has full sleeves, wears dark denim, a bowler hat and shirts with classic muscle cars. He has some Harley’s Man facial hair and a bullied-as-a-kid, ‘fuck the world,’white boy pseudo-artist attitude. An ego the size of my garden (i have several beds) that everyone who wants a little ink must endure. He’s a ‘sensitive’ (in a large anchor on the arm kind of way) dude in doc martens.  These guys are funny because they thought they were all counter culture when they became a tattoo artists and now they are stuck working for the man and nagging SnP kids like a grandpa who wants you off his lawn. But he kinda wants you on his lawn…what is grandpa’s problem!?

IMG_2474I might be a lil mad because of the rambling expletive-filled hate mail that I get from these douche bags. Underneath anger is sadness, so I will breathe with my tears about the pathetic lives of the world’s random haters. Must people go out of their way to hate on others’ choices or lifestyle? They are like the guy in Civic Center that holds the neon sign reading “You Sinners Will Burn in Hell.” What’s it to you, buddy?

I am sad that some tattoo artists care so much about stick and pokes. Like they invented the concept of sticking the skin with colored stuff to make pretty permanent designs. Like they are responsible for everyone’s skin. Guess what buddy? Not everyone likes to go to you for their special little tattoo. They don’t want to pay the minimum $80. They don’t like the way you smell. This one is going to hurt: they like their friends MORE that you! Some people would rather stay home in bed to SnP with a friend over some freshly squeezed OJ and Tegan and Sara playing on the gramophone. Can you see how that is more appealing than going to your stinky sexist shop laden with pin up girls? (I am being over-the-top judgy, I realize)

Some people choose to do what humans have been doing for thousands of years (quite successfully I might ad) – diy or homemake a tattoo – and they don’t need you. It is actually really easy to make a simple tattoo. I am sorry Mr. Tattoo Man, it is just not the same as what you are offering. Two different activities entirely. Stick to what you know (fluorescent dragons, asian characters, flowers, dolphins…) and quit poking your head in others’ business.

With a perspective, this is N-dawg.

Update 1/21/14
I still get the usual “Eat shit and die” sort of emails from these pricks (3 today!) I always respond with a self-help link with the hope that they will eventually find themselves (and stop bothering me and SnP-ers). A recent email ended with “I hope you get AIDS,” which, ironically, I’d be most likely to contract at a sketchy tattoo shop. For the record: anyone would be less likely to get AIDS using my kit with their own sterile needle and ink then getting poked/pierced where many have been poked before…but these guys don’t think….it’s a shame!

Let’s end on a positive note – here is my one success story email:

“From: inky <ink@_______.com>
Subject: good jorb

Message Body:
A friend of mine showed me her recently purchased Stick and Poke Tattoo Kit that they got at a local craft fair. As a trained tattoo artist, I must say: good jorb! Your informational booklet and safety equipment are a top-notch touch….”

This mail is sent via contact form on Stick and Poke Tattoo KIT http://stickandpoketattookit.com

Thank you nice professional tattoo person!

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